Not Summer
by mattydubsismygod
Summary: Chapter 4 up!Summer comes back after disappearing for almost a year. What happened? And what happens next. Yeah, I know I suck at summaries. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi! I might be getting back in the swing of this. Obviously, I own nothing. Sad, I know.

* * *

She didn't look like Summer. She looked like…winter, if that didn't sound too stupid. She looked cold and frozen, and she wouldn't meet Seth's eyes. He stood on her porch, and she stood in her house, and he stared at her and she stared at the ground. 

"Hi," he said, because he didn't know what else to say. "It's been a long time." She nodded, still not looking at him. Her shoulders were rounded, and she'd lost weight. Probably a lot. Seth wasn't an expert, but he knew how Summer used to feel in his arms, and he could guess how New Summer would feel too. She was all sharp angles and bones. Not soft and curvy like the Last Summer.

"Can I come in?" Seth asked, and she hesitated. "Or do you want to go for a walk?" Still hesitating. "Please? I just want to talk to you. It's been so long."

"I'll get my coat," she said, and her voice was different. It was harsher. It didn't jingle like it used to. Seth used to kind of think that her voice sounded like little bells. Especially when she was happy. But he was glad to hear her voice anyway. He was glad for some sign that she was still alive, that something was still in there.

She came back to the door a few minutes later, but she didn't have her coat. "I don't know where my coat is," she said, hanging her head again, her hair a curtain in front of her face.

"You can wear mine," Seth offered, shrugging it off.

Summer shook her head. "I don't really want to walk, Seth. I'm too tired."

"Oh," he said. "Um, okay." He turned and started to walk away.

"You can come in," that gravelly voice called after him. Seth turned around and she was looking at him. He could see her eyes and they were dull and they didn't sparkle anymore. They used to sparkle when she looked at him, she couldn't help it. He'd tell her and she'd tell him to shut up, he was being cheesy. And yeah, he was being cheesy, but it was true too. So she was the cheesy one, really.

"Thanks."

She walked into the house and Seth walked in behind her. It hadn't changed. He hadn't been here in almost a year, but he remembered it well. She sat down at the kitchen table, and Seth sat across from her.

"How have you been?" Summer asked, looking up at Seth.

"Good," he said. "I really like BU. I didn't think Boston would do it for me, but I love it."

She smiled, kind of. It was the slightest twitching of her lips, but Seth counted it, because he got the feeling that real smiles were few and far between with this new Summer. "I'm happy for you."

Seth didn't know how she would react, didn't know what she would say, but he had to ask. "Summer," he said slowly, measuring his words carefully. "Summer what happened?"

"Last week, my dad hired this guy, and he found me. And then my dad found me and he made me come home. And now I'm here. And now you're here." She said this in a completely even tone, no emotion, no change in pitch, no inflection. It was like she didn't feel anything.

"But before that, Summer. What happened?"

She looked at him, and he noticed just how dark the circles under her eyes were. "I left," she said simply. Seth knew that. Hello, he had been there.

* * *

_"Hello?" She'd asked into her cell phone, and she sounded far away._

_"Where are you?" Seth said. "I've been waiting at the diner for like half an hour. I've had so much coffee that-"_

"_I'm…not coming." She said, interrupting him._

_"What? Sum, I leave for Boston tomorrow! I want to say goodbye."_

_"I'm sorry. I can't, Seth. I'm done."_

_"What are you talking about? We've talked about this, and we can make it work! We're going to do the long-distance thing. We'll talk on the phone and we'll fly out to visit each other all the time."_

_"No," she said, her voice soft._

_"Where are you, I'm coming to see you. We need to talk about this." She was silent. "Summer, where are you?"_

_"Already gone," she said, and then she hung up.

* * *

_

"Where did you go?" He whispered, and he felt like he was going to cry. His eyes stung and there was a lump the size of an apple in his throat. "Where did you _go_?" He wanted to know what happened. He'd thought about it every day for nearly a year. Thought about _her_ every day. And now she was here, and she was different. And he wanted to know what changed her like that. What had taken the shine out of her hair and the glitter out of her eyes and the smile off her face? Seth reached across the table and grabbed her hands. She jumped, yanking them away. "Please," he begged. "Please, baby."

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, tracing circles on the kitchen table.

"I'm not really sure why you called me then, Summer. If you won't talk to me, won't even look at me…what do you want from me? I'm not sure what to do here, okay?"

"Cohen," she said, and there was a softness in her voice that hadn't been there only moments before. "I needed to see you."

"Why!" He yelled, slamming his fists on the table. "God _damn _Summer! Why couldn't you just stay gone? You're killing me here, Summer."

She blinked at him, and he thought he saw a hint of tears in her eyes. "My dad dragged me back, okay? He had me found and he dragged me back here. I wouldn't have returned, not ever. But he made me."

"Why did you go?" Seth asked through clenched teeth. She stared at him silently, stubborn as ever. Well, Seth supposed that it was good to know that some things hadn't changed. "_Where_ did you go?"

"LA," she said. "At first. Then Chicago, and Miami and Detroit. Other places too. I went all over."

"By yourself?" He asked, in awe.

She shrugged. "Sometimes. Other times I traveled with…friends."

"What friends?" Seth asked. As far as he had known, Summer's friends had been him, Ryan, and Marissa. And Summer certainly hadn't disappeared with any of them.

"New friends," she said. "Not anyone you know."

"What did you do for money? Or for places to live?"

"Different things," she bent her head, her hair veiling her face. Seth reached across the table again, this time tipping her chin up, forcing her to look at him. Nothing I'm really that proud of, nothing I want to talk about."

"Summer-" Seth began. He didn't know what he was going to say, didn't know where to take the conversation.

It didn't matter that he didn't know what to say, though. She interrupted him with a shriek. "I had sex, okay!" She screamed. "I had sex with people, and they paid me. Usually with money, sometimes with drugs." She stood up, knocking her chair over violently. "I slept anywhere. With friends, with dealers, in motels, in libraries. Anywhere."

Now it was Seth's turn to simply stare. He couldn't believe this, couldn't believe her. This wasn't Summer. This was not Summer at all.

"I was always scared. I was always tired. I was always lonely. And I always missed you. I _always_ thought about you."

"Why?" He asked, begging. Begging for answers, begging for an explanation. Begging to know why she did this to him, to herself. "Summer why?"

"Just leave, Seth," she said, her eyes wide as silver dollars. "I'm sorry I called you." And then she fled. She ran out of the room and up the stairs. Seth just kept sitting there. He was blown away. This wasn't her, this wasn't her. This wasn't his girl. His Summer, who was so beautiful and confident. His Summer, who never let anyone take advantage of her, who never let anyone push her around. _His _Summer, who was his and only his, who didn't give herself to anyone with a wallet.

His head dropped to his hands. She was back, and she was very different. But she was still Summer. And she was back. And she needed him.

Seth walked up the stairs and rounded the corner, down the hall to her bedroom. "Sum," he whispered, walking into her room. "Summer, I'm here." She was curled up on her bed, her face hidden in a pile of pillows.

"Go away please," she said, her voice muffled. Seth closed the door and approached her.

"Baby," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He placed his hand on her shoulder and she twitched, but just barely. "Look at me," he said. "Just look at me." He pulled her gently, just slightly toward him. She rolled and blinked up at Seth with deadened eyes. He'd never seen her like this. Seth had always known that Summer hurt, that she was broken. But she'd always kept it hidden.

Summer had been hurt by a lot of people, by her mother, her father, her stepmother, by her friends, by boys. By Seth. But now, she was so hurt, by so many people and so many things, that she couldn't hide it anymore. It was out in the open, finally palpable.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, her face twisted up in pain, her eyes getting bigger and bigger—impossibly bigger, and then they were shiny with new tears. Seth didn't know this girl, didn't recognize her. She was so young, so scared, so sad. And then she was crying, she was _sobbing_, and it occurred to him that that _was_ Summer. That wailing, crumbled up little girl had always been on the inside, barely hidden away, always scratching at the surface. It was who she'd been for a long time, and he couldn't believe he'd never noticed. He just sat there, not knowing what to do. He didn't know this girl at all, but at the same time, it's who she'd always been, so of course he knew her.

Seth used to beg her to talk to him, beg her to open up to him. He used to see this girl who was only half-there, because she kept so much hidden. He loved her desperately, and wanted to see the whole girl. Well here she was. It was all out in the open. No more secrets, no more hiding.

He'd been dreaming of her, aching for her for so long, for so many months. He'd have given anything to have her in the same room as him, to have her in his arms. And there she was, more broken than ever before, more desperate, more in need than he'd ever seen her. "Summer," he said again. That was all. Just her name. There were a million things he wanted to say to her, but she was so fragile that he was sure any of them would break her completely. He wanted to say something, _anything_ that would stop her tears. Because seeing her like this, in this much pain, hurt him more than it hurt her.

She gasped, having cried herself breathless. "Cohen," Summer said, and her voice was not hers. "Please," she said. That was all she needed to say—he knew just what she was asking for. He gathered her into his arms, holding her together. It felt like she was literally falling apart, and I couldn't keep all the pieces together. He wanted to kiss her, but he couldn't. Things were hazier and more complicated than ever. And kissing her wouldn't make the crying stop. It would bring on a whole new set of tears. And that would have broken Seth's heart all over again, and probably hers too.

Summer's hands were balled into tight, tiny fists, and her fingernails dug into her palms, leaving little crescents in the skin. Seth unfurled them gently, and they found their way to his back, and then Summer was clinging to him, wrapped around his body, frantically trying to get closer. She was shaking with sobs, trembling in his arms, but she was holding on so tight.

"It hurts," she choked. Seth could barely understand her, but managed. "Seth it hurts so bad."

"What does?" he asked, trying to pull her closer.

"All of it," she said, her voice sounding strangled. She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. "I hurt everywhere. Being without you hurt me so badly. Every day, I thought about you. Every day I thought about how it felt to be here, in your arms. Every day my heart broke all over again, because being without you hurt so badly. And now, being with you, hurts even more." Seth stroked her hair, almost wanting to cry himself. "Telling myself I don't love you hurts. And letting myself acknowledge that I do hurts just as much. Everyone I've met in the past year hurt me. My dad hurt me, because it took him four months to realize I was gone." I started rocking her slightly, keeping her close to my body. "And my mom…" She looked up at him. "I found my mom, that's why I went to Chicago at first." Seth brushed away a tear as it rolled down her sunken cheek. "I look just like her, Seth. I have her hair, and her eyes, and her nose. I'm just like her."

"She just gave up!" Summer wailed. "She gave up, she didn't try. She gave up on everything, she gave up on me and on Daddy…he loved her so much and she broke his heart, because she's a coward and because she's weak. And I'm just like her."

"No you're not," Seth murmured, kissing her hair. "You might look like her, but that's it."

"I hurt you, just like she hurt my dad. She just left. And then so did I. And I ruined the only good thing I had."


	2. Chapter 2

Seth wasn't sure how it happened, but he was pretty sure it was a bad idea. They had sex. One minute she was crying, and the next minute she was kissing him. And then they were doing it, and nothing had ever hurt Seth quite so much. Her skin was now scarred, and he ran his fingers across each line, tracing the puckered flesh with the most delicate of touches. She bucked gently into him, rising closer and closer, trying to touch him more and more completely. They held onto each other the whole time, Seth filling her in every way that either of them could imagine. He didn't think about all the other men he'd slept with since he'd seen her, but she did.

None of them could even compare to Seth. She didn't understand how sex was sex…because it just wasn't. With Seth, it was like…two people who weren't two people anymore. They were just one super-person, as stupid as that sounded. She couldn't imagine how she'd ever slept with anyone else, because it wasn't _real_ like this was.

And after, they were just laying on Summer's bed, quiet. Her head was on his chest, her body curled into his. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around her, and every time he closed his eyes, he had a vision of her just disappearing again, _poof_. Just like that, and he'd be grasping at nothingness. "What now?" Seth asked, stroking her forearm.

"I don't know," she said softly. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Don't go back," Seth pleaded. "Don't go back to…doing that."

"I won't stay here," she said firmly. "I won't, I can't. I never wanted to come back here, Seth."

"There's other places. There's places that are safe, there's things that you can do that aren't that. There's a million other places, a million other things. Just don't do that again." Summer wouldn't say it, but she didn't know how she could go back to that. Nobody would be like Seth, nobody will fill that place her life no matter how hard she tried. And being reminded, it killed her that she had missed this for so long, and had tried to replace it with other things.

"I know," she said. And that was all she said. She wouldn't tell him the things she wanted to, she wouldn't tell him how much she loved him.

"I just can't believe-"

"I _know_!" She cried. She looked at him hard. "Seth I know. Okay? I know it was stupid."

She kissed his forehead. "I just want you to be safe," he said. "Safe and happy." And he kissed her again. Maybe he was fooling himself, but he felt like his Summer was back.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Several minutes passed and Seth finally voiced the question he'd been dying to ask her. "What do you think…" he began tentatively. "About Boston?"

"I don't know, Seth."

"I can't lose you again," Seth said. They sat up, Seth staring intently at her. "Don't break my hear again, Summer Roberts. Don't disappear again. Come to Boston." He took her hands. "I love you, Summer. I _love_ you. I promise I will take care of you. I will keep you safe always. Come to Boston. Stay with me."

"What, in your dorm room? That's never going to work."

"I have an apartment. One roommate. But he won't care. You'll love Eric, he's nothing like Ryan. There's plenty of room. It makes sense, okay? There's plenty of room. Seth was looking at her hard, this girl who was Not Summer, who was hardened and cold and sad and broken…she was a girl he could save. Seth wasn't Ryan, he wasn't burdened with a hero complex. He didn't need to save every confused girl who came along. Just the one. Just Summer. He didn't have to save every girl, but he did have to save Summer. "Come Summer. Come with me."

A smile tugged at the corner of her lips. "You are something, you know that?" He kissed her almost-smiling lips.

"I try."

"I don't need you to take care of me, okay?" She said. "I can do that myself. I need you to…" she trailed off.

"Love you," he finished. "That's all I'll do."

"That will be enough," Summer said.

Seth brought Summer by his house, and his parents were delighted to see her. Kirsten was stiff at first, still mad at the girl who had broken her son's heart. But she warmed up, seeing in Summer's eyes what she had been through, and seeing in Seth's eyes how deliriously happy he was to be with her again. Sandy wasn't happy that they would be living together, and Kirsten thought they were too young. But they'd always loved Summer, and despite themselves, they would never begrudge Seth anything that would make him happy.

They saw Ryan and Marissa. Marissa shrieked and cried and smothered Summer with hugs and kisses and questions, and Ryan looked at her in a new way. He knew where she'd been, he understood. Summer was quieter now. She wasn't her old self. She was more reserved and less talkative. Seth used to think of her as the soul of the group. Marissa was the drama, he was the wit, Ryan was the voice of reason, and Summer was the heart and soul. She had the passion. She loved each one of them deeply, in a different way.

So the Fantastic Four had their reunion. Summer seemed purely overwhelmed. She couldn't handle Marissa's exuberance, couldn't handle the looks Ryan kept giving her. She was different now, and they weren't. Summer clung to Seth, discreetly, but constantly. "I love you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead, as Marissa regaled the trio with her latest theatrics. Summer smiled weakly, desperately, like she wanted nothing more than to be gone all over again.


	3. Chapter 3

Summer was safe, but not necessarily happy. She was protected, and well-fed and sheltered, but she sometimes couldn't breathe. She would sit on the floor in the living room with her knees tucked to her chest, and concentrate on her breathing. She would think about it, listening and feeling each inhale, each exhale. She would feel her chest expand and fill, and then sink and release the air. She would do this for hours sometimes, reminding herself that yes, she was alive. Yes, she was breathing. Yes, she was here.

Other times, she would walk around the apartment, and touch everything. She would touch her things, and understand that they had a place. She would touch Seth's things and remember that he was here, he was everywhere. And she would touch Eric's things, and remind herself that there were other people in the world besides her and Seth.

She got lonely during the days. Seth came home whenever he could, whenever he had a long enough break. But it didn't make sense all the time, it took him almost half an hour to get from the apartment to campus, and Summer felt bad when he would come back to have lunch with him, only to leave twenty minutes later. So she started waking up early, before he did and packing him a lunch, that way he wouldn't waste his time. She used brown paper bags, just like his mom did when he was little. She would fill it with good things, a perfect red apple, a turkey sandwich on a thick roll, those cartoon-shaped cheese crackers he loved so much. Seth would smile and call her mom, and she would smile back and kiss him on the cheek.

Summer packed his lunches because she didn't like that he was worrying about her. She didn't want him coming home all the time, wasting his time. And he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he took those lunches every day, even though sometimes he would get a slice of pizza or Chinese with friends from class. He was usually gone from around ten until around three or four, and those five hours stretched out endlessly in front of Summer.

So she got a dog to keep her company. A goofy, lively puppy. It was an endlessly sweet little girl that she named Takoda, which meant friend. She bought it a pink collar and a leash, and a little bed and a lot of toys and treats, and walked it home on the leash. Takoda jumped around, running into things and sniffing things. Summer laughed and tugged it after her, and then snuck it up into the building. Pets weren't allowed.

When Seth came home and saw the dog, he laughed and laughed. He lifted Summer off the ground and spun her around, and they were both happier than they'd been in ages.

That night they were curled up on the couch, the dog nipping playfully at their feet. Summer had started dozing off halfway through the movie they'd been watching, and Seth nudged her. "Sum?" He asked.

"Hmm?" She replied blearily, nestling closer to Seth.

"Are you happy here? Do you like it?"

She opened her eyes and sort of blinked up at him. "I like being with you," she said.

"What about Boston? And being here?"

"It's…fine. It's different than Newport, and that's good. Seth, I don't feel like talking right now, I'm sleepy."

"Okay." He turned back to the television. After a few minutes he refocused on Summer. "I just want you to be happy, okay? I'll do anything for you to be happy."

"I know. And that's why I love you. That's why I'm here. Because you make me happy. I'll follow you anywhere."

* * *

Summer got bored. So she got a job. She worked in a little boutique a few blocks away from the apartment, and she loved it. And she made a friend, too. A girl named Emily who was engaging and pleasant and fun. After so many years of friendship with Marissa, taking a backseat to her friend's drama and hysterics, it was a nice change for Summer to spend time with Emily. The pair adored each other, and after a short while, Seth's roommate Eric asked her out, and it was like the Fantastic Four, the sequel. Only mellower. 

The quartet spent a lot of time together, and Summer and Seth spent a lot of time alone together. She felt _something_, but she wasn't sure that it was happiness. And she felt a lot of other things that weren't happiness, too.


	4. Chapter 4

I found this chapter on my computer (along with another chapter to His Favorite Season) and didn't even remember writing it (um, them?)! But I edited it a bit tonight and am posting it just because it was there, I guess. And, I actually had fun working on this again, so I am considering continuing it. We'll see. Happy reading!

Oh, and I still don't own it, duh. I just borrow Seth and Summer and pretend they're mine.

* * *

Marissa and Ryan came to visit over their Fall Break. Seth went to pick them up from the airport. He'd asked Summer to join him, certainly he'd expected her to want to, but she was deeply absorbed in an obsessive clean of the apartment, as she had been for the past two days.

"Aren't you coming?" Seth asked, since it was ten minutes past time to leave and Summer was clad only in booty shorts and tank, on her hands and knees in the kitchen scrubbing the linoleum to within an inch of its life.

Summer brushed a dark strand of hair behind her air and looked up at him almost blankly. "I have to clean," she said, as though it had already been clarified and discussed.

"Sum, the apartment is spotless."

She smiled to herself. "Almost," she said. "Almost." She stood up and dropped her sponge, wrapping soapy arms around his neck and kissing him on the nose. "Drive safe, baby. Come back in one piece."

He shrugged. "Okay, well, I'll see you when we get back then."

Summer nodded firmly and returned her focus to cleaning the floor.

Seth returned a few hours later with Ryan and Marissa in tow. Summer greeted them at the door, a whole new person. She was smiling and showered and dressed in a swishy beaded turquoise dress. Not only was the apartment sparkling, Seth smelled tomato sauce and garlic, which meant Summer was cooking dinner.

"Hiiii!" Marissa squealed, dropping her bag and rushing at Summer. "I missed you soooo much!"

"I missed you too, Coop," Summer said, squeezing her high school best friend back with a grin on her face.

Ryan looked at Seth with a smile and a raised brow, a look that Seth knew meant Ryan was pleased at how well Summer was doing. Whenever the two talked, Ryan asked how Summer was doing. Seth always said she was fine, but it didn't seem as though Ryan had ever believed him. "Hi, Chino," Summer said, and hugged him before returning to Marissa, where the two bounced and babbled and giggled and shrieked in the doorway for a moment before disappearing into the bedroom.

"Those two, man," Ryan said, shaking his head.

"Something to drink?" Seth asked.

"No thanks, I'm good."

Ryan sat down on a bar stool at the counter while Seth lifted the lid to the pot on the stove. Spaghetti sauce. He picked up a spoon and began to stir slowly to keep the sauce from sticking to the bottom of the pot. "So," Ryan began. "You've been awfully. When you picked us up from the airport, I expected nonstop chatter, you've hardly said three words. Though Riss definitely picked up the slack."

Seth grinned. "I can still get a good ramble going. But Summer's rubbed off on me, I guess. And it's not as much fun to talk when nobody's talking back."

"I can barely picture the two of you not bickering constantly," Ryan said, shaking his head in amusement. "But she looks good."

"She's taken," Seth joked, even though he knew what Ryan meant. Ryan rolled his eyes at the joke. "Same great sense of humor, I see. I meant, it looks like she's doing really well," Ryan said. "Last time Marissa and I saw her, she was a complete disaster. I've been worried about her."

Seth nodded, taking a big gulp of water from a bottle sitting near the stove, but not saying anything.

"Seth?" Ryan prompted. "Never really had to push you into talking before."

"I don't know, Ryan. It's just…different. She is so different. I love her like crazy, man, don't get me wrong. But she's really, really not the girl she used to be. She's doing better, and given everything, that's amazing. But still…"

"Did you really expect her to be her seventeen-year-old self?"

"Honestly?" Seth asked, and sighed. "Yeah, I think I kind of did."

"I don't know the details or anything, you haven't really told me-"

"She hasn't even told _me_," Seth muttered.

"-but I know she went through a lot," Ryan continued. "It's not like she was just gonna bounce back Seth. She's not even the same person."

"I miss the old Summer. I love her so much that it _hurts_. But sometimes, I just want my old girlfriend back. Sometimes, I want that bubbly, opinionated, stubborn, passionate girl back. She still, she's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it's not the same. Not even close."

"I know how hard it must be," Ryan said, nodding sympathetically. Seth sighed again and shook his head.

* * *

The girls had run giggling to Seth and Summer's bedroom and jumped on the bed where they now sat cross-legged, catching up. Takoda climbed onto the bed with them, resting her furry head on Summer's knee and whining for an ear scratch. "So you and Ryan?" Summer asked, obliging so that her dog would shut up.

"On again off again since you left, but on again, since this summer. And we're doing really well. For once, there's no Lukes, or Olivers, or Theresas, or Johnnys. Nobody pulling us apart."

"That's great," Summer said. "I'm really happy for you, Coop."

"And you and Seth? How's that going?"

"It's…good. I don't know, Coop it's weird. I love him, and all he wants is for me to be happy. Honestly, I feel like he would do anything for me to be happy. He tries so hard, all the time."

"He really loves you," Marissa said seriously.

"I know."

"So you guys are playing house," Marissa teased. "Do you make him do the dishes too?" Summer giggled. When she and Marissa were little and played house, Summer always insisted that Marissa do the dishes, because she didn't want raisin fingers. Not that you could get them from pretend water, but still. It was the principle. Plus, Summer used to be awfully stubborn.

"We both do them. He could never be here to do them all the time. He's busy you know, with classes and homework and stuff. And I don't mind like I did when I was seven."

Marissa smiled, looking around the bedroom. "God, Sum. You're so different. You've just changed so much."

Summer shrugged. "Aren't we supposed to? It'd be sad Coop, if we were still the same people we were in high school." Privately, she thought that Marissa was still quite a bit like her high school self. But that's not a fact she would ever share with anyone, except maybe Seth, because she already knew he felt the same way.

"Do you ever think about coming back to California?" Marissa asked thoughtfully, chewing on her lip. "I miss you Sum, I miss the way it used to be."

The way it used to be, when people were getting shot and drunk and jealous and stupid? When everything was constantly in a state of upheaval and dramatics? Marissa _would_ miss that. Typical.

"Seth's here," Summer said simply, shrugging.

"He would go back if it was what you wanted," Marissa said. "Just think, it would be so great! The four of us all back together…hanging out like old times?"

"I don't know, Coop…" Summer sighed. "I kind of…left for a reason, you know?"

Marissa chewed on her lip again. This was a new nervous habit. But better than shots, Summer supposed. "Summer why _did_ you leave?" She asked quietly. "Why'd you go? What happened last year?"

Every muscle in Summer's body tightened. "I don't want to talk about last year," she said.

"But I'm your best friend!" Marissa pressed. "Whatever happened…it was big, right? I'm mean you're this whole new person. You can tell me, I swear. I mean…you were so messed up last time I saw you, and…"

Summer felt sick. She got off the bed and straightened the bodice of her dress primly. "I'm going to check on dinner," she said, straining to keep her voice even. She left briskly and entered the kitchen, where Seth was stirring her sauce slowly. "Thanks for keeping an eye on dinner," she said, taking the long wooden spoon from his hand.

"Of course," he said, kissing her hair. "Ryan and I are happy to finish up, if you girls want to keep catching up."

Marissa had drifted into the kitchen, looking confused, and sat herself on the stool next to Ryan's.

"No," Summer said. "We should all hang out, right? That's why you guys came. Seth, do you know where the oregano is? I couldn't find it, and I need it to make the sauce just right." She turned to her company, tying on an apron so she wouldn't accidentally spatter her dress with tomato sauce. "Do you guys want something to drink? We have beer, iced tea, milk, water…um, let me check and see what else."

"Iced tea is fine with us," Marissa said, speaking for herself and her boyfriend in a way Summer would find irritating. Ryan had given no indication that he wanted iced tea. If Seth did that to Summer, she would find herself in an irreversible snit until he apologized and made it up to her. But she just nodded and poured two glasses, garnishing each with a slice of lemon.

* * *

"Dinner was delicious," Marissa said, smiling tightly at Summer. Seth wasn't sure what had happened between the girls, but gone were the giggles and the bubbles, replaced with much more strained exchanges. "And thanks again for having us, you guys."

"Of course," Summer said graciously. She glanced at the dog, who was scratching at the door and whining. "Shit, Cohen. Koda needed her walk like three hours ago. Shit!" Walking Takoda was a ritual for them. Every afternoon when Seth got back from classes they took the dog on a walk together, and with the arrival of Ryan and Marissa they had forgotten. "I'm so sorry guys, I have to take her out. I'll be back as soon as I can. I'm so sorry," Summer said, scraping her chair back and dropping her napkin next to her plate.

"I'll take her Sum," Seth offered. She was quite clearly stressed. All throughout dinner she kept hopping up to grab things, fussing over the centerpiece candles, and worrying that the noodles were overcooked. Her gaze never stopped darting from Ryan to Seth to Marissa, terrified that someone wasn't enjoying themselves. "Just relax."

"How about this," Ryan said. "Marissa and I will clean up the dishes while you guys take the dog out." Seth noticed Ryan glance at Summer, who seemed to be almost in tears. Seth nodded discreetly at Ryan, thanking him silently. If he could talk to Summer alone he might be able to calm her down.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Summer asked tentatively.

"Of course not," Marissa said, smiling kindly as she picked up her plate and carried it to the sink. "I'm totally good at dishes, thanks to you Sum. And, some lessons from Ryan on actual plates and stuff."

Summer smiled. "Okay. Well I'll just go grab my jacket then." She went into the bedroom and Seth unhooked the dog's leash from the hook on the wall and attached it to the dog's collar. Takoda was shaking with excitement, wagging not only her tail but her entire body. Seth scratched her chin before straightening up and putting on his own jacket.

"We won't be long," Seth said. "Thanks you guys." Summer emerged and he took her hand, Takoda leading both of them out the door and down the back stairs, as far from the landlord's apartment as possible. Summer lived in paranoia that he was going to find out about Takoda and make them give her up, but Seth promised her that they would move before they got rid of the dog.

"It's nice to have them here," Seth said.

"Mmm-hmm."

"Weird though. Definitely weird." She didn't say anything. "You don't have to worry so much. Everyone's having a good time, everything will be fine no matter what." She was still silent. "That's what's bothering you, right?"

"I have to show them," Summer whispered.

"Show them what?"

"That I'm okay. That we're okay. That we're great and I'm not crazy. So everything has to be perfect so they can see that."

Seth stopped, giving Takoda time to smell a particularly interesting tree. "Hey," he said. "First of all, you don't have to show anyone anything. We are great, and you are not crazy. You are wonderful and perfect, and I think if you relax they'll know that."

She sighed. "I'm different."

"So what?"

She shrugged, watching the ground carefully, like she was waiting for it to fall out from under her. "I don't know. It's just what Marissa said. She said I'm different."

"You are," Seth said.

"I know I am."

"Then so what?"

"Nothing."

"Exactly." He put his hands around her slim waist and pulled her close. "Listen to me. You are perfect. You don't owe anyone any explanations or any proof, and I love you."

She looked up at him, smiling. "You're my hero," she said softly, kissing him sweetly.


End file.
